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I'm pretty sure most people don't even know I have one. Therefore I can rant freely because my brain is way too full, but this is not something I should advertise to a lot of people.

I am in a relationship. I have know my boyfriend since March, but we have been dating since late July. So, less than 4 months, and before we started dating we had a lot of drama.

I am happy with my boyfriend. He is very sweet, and funny, and I do love him.

However, I am realizing that he might be a lot more into the relationship than I am, considering the amount of time we've actually been dating. It's kind of funny, because before we started dating, all I wanted was to be with him, and I was all TRAGIC and junk, but now that we are actually dating, I'm content, but it's not like I want to marry him.

We talk about moving in together, and having all these cats and stuff, and it all sounds really fun, but I'm only 19. I'm not ready to commit myself so permanently to someone I've only been dating for like four months.

On that note, it's not like I want to break up with him. But there is an issue.

There is this guy. He was my coworker, which made him automatically off limits, making the fact that I thought he was cute not a problem. But then he quit, and numbers were exchanged. I honestly thought he was just being nice and didn't think he could actually text me.

Except he did. Like a lot. And then he said he wanted to hang out this weekend.

We are friends on Facebook, so I just assumed he knew I had a boyfriend. But then "hanging out" started to sound a lot more like a date. And I felt guilty, and asked him about it.

He did not know I had a boyfriend. He did want it to be a date. And now I feel like I led him on, which is making me feel bad.

What's making me feel even worse is the fact that I was really happy when he said he wanted it to be a date.

Someone with a boyfriend should not be stoked about that.

Ex-coworker became a little distant, but half heartedly asked if I wanted to get coffee sometime. And I do. Like, I really do.

I am the worst girlfriend ever. I do not want to break up with my boyfriend, especially over something that could just be a fling (ex-coworker is moving to another city next semester anyway). But I am finding myself questioning what else could be out there.

Brain = exploding.

I can't help it if you look like an angel

Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain so,
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you.
Can't help it if there's no one else,
Ooh, I can't help myself~

So I like Taylor Swift, big deal D:

I had the WEIRDEST dream last night. I was at Mills, and it looked mostly like Mills, except the newer classrooms looked like some of the Skyline rooms and hallways, and I was still in high school. I came back from Winter Break and it was like real life, where I had started dating Nicolas at the beginning of break, except in the dream I came back and I was ALSO still dating Taylor. And I was like WOAHSHIT I need to break up with him, I forgot! And I had to pretend that we were cool and were still dating and stuff, because he was all emotionally fragile over something that happened with his friend over Winter Break [?] and it was so bizaaarre.
And then we were late for class and we were running and then Nicolas was there with a bunch of his friends watching us, and he mouths, "Call me!" as I run by.

So strange, and a bit unsettling, to have an ex pop up in a dream.

Anyhow, on a few other notes:

I am broke. My last paycheck was for $31.57. No joke.

I go back to school on Tuesday. Hurrah! [Though I only have one class that day and I know we won't draw the first day, so it's kind of like not going D:]

Because I'm so broke, I'm going to try the whole "Selling stuff online for extra money" thing. So, on that note, I have another LiveJournal that's committed to things like crafts I make, art-related things, make up tutorials, and general lifestyle reviews and opinions and whatnot. If enough people start reading it, I can start pushing my Etsy account.



If anyone even reads this anymore, feel free to add me and check it out. No one really knows about it yet, I haven't really advertised it a whole lot yet :x

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doooo.

I must have missed the memo

It's another one of those days where I see all these Facebook statuses and pictures of people drinking and getting high and totally wasted and I can't help but think, what the heck am I missing? Because, yeah sure, hanging out with friends is fun but someone please explain the connection to having to drink to make it fun.

What's wrong with just hanging out with friends? Is that not fun enough?
Oh I get it, without drinking and doing drugs then none of them are interesting enough that you can be sober and enjoy hanging out with them.

Ok ok, I get it, that explains everything.

Not to mention, learn when to have fun and when to spend your time on things that are actually important. Just fyi, college actually isn't centered around partying, it's centered around higher education so you can actually try to make something of yourself.

I know it makes me sound extremely cocky and superior, not to mention kind of a bitch, but fuck, people just seem so damn pathetic sometimes. Enjoy being a fucking burnout loser while I work on having an amazing future with people who actually know what they're doing and actually care about themselves.

BONUS POINTS enjoy your nasty complexion and premature wrinkles from partying too much :D
I'm sure you still have a great personality?

Kirsten is: avoiding finishing up that Geology research paper that apparently is not that important. And will actually probably only take another hour or so, plus the Powerpoint, which is like pie.

I'm so distracted lately. I just want it to be Friday because:

*I will attempt to dye my hair again.
*My replacement phone may or may not come.
*It'll be the day before Saturday, and I'm looking forward to that.
*It'll be one less week getting in my way of Winter Break.

Anyhow. Ran into my friend Joel from high school by chance this morning and actually had fun talking with him. It was kind of sad to hear him say how his friends from high school collectively decided he had done something wrong and now none of them are talking to him anymore. But then he went on about how his real friends told him to not even worry, because those guys are stupid.

I guess it just kind of reminded me how stupid high school-level drama is. I'm not saying to not have fun and stuff, but I think a lot of people still haven't made the move to start growing up. We sure as hell aren't old, but we aren't little kids anymore. It almost makes me glad that recent events have kind of cut me off from high school or recently graduated people.

Of course, not all of them are like that, but I am awfully tired of dealing with people who spend all of their time causing bipolar drama when I'd rather concern myself with moving forward and growing as a person. And also with snagging that boy I got my eye on ;]

He...is probably one of the reasons I'm so distracted >_< hee C:

I'm not a fan of "Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga, but maybe if it sounded like this I would be:

I love that girl.

My name is:
Spunk Ransom?

This morning I was?:
Skipping Art History again. Sigh.

I'm afraid of:
Spiders. And finding a psycho under my bed.

I dream about:
Metaphorical things. And happy things :)

[Have You Ever...]

Been in love?:

Cried when someone died?:
Of course.

Probably every damn day :x

Flowers or candy?:

Scruff or clean shaven on a guy?:
Depends on the dude. Currently, I like me a clean shaven boy C:

tall or short?:
Height is relative ^_^

[With The Opposite Sex...]

What do you notice first?:
Eyes~ They tell you a lot C:

Last person you slow danced with?:
Technically JerkFaceJesse and I danced for like two second when we were LOST IN THE WILDERNESS.


Makes you laugh the most?:
My friends :D And my mom. She is a funny lady.

Makes you smile?:
Anyone with good vibes.
And this one guy C:

Gives you a funny feeling when you see them?:
What kind of funny feeling?

Which is easier to talk to: boys or girls?:
Oddly, guys. I feel like girls judge me more, idunno.

[Do You Ever...]

Sit on the internet waiting for someone special to IM you?:
I don't think you can sit on the internet.
And not anymore.

Save AIM conversations?​​:​​​​
Not anymore either.

Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?:
Not in particular...?

Cry because of something someone has said?:
Well of course.

I guess you could consider it praying.

[Have You Ever...]

Fallen for your best friend?:
Sorry Nicole...I just don't feel the same way DX

Rejected someone?:
Yeah. Rejection really isn't fun on either end, you know?

Been cheated on?:
Not that I know of, but then agin what do I really know?

Done something you regretted?:
Probably but I can't go back and change it now~

Wanted to die?:
I've had my moments...don't want to go back there again.

[Who Was The Last Person...]

You talked to on the phone?
Mi madre.


You instant messaged?:
Man I haven't been on AIM in a while.

You laughed with?:

[Do You...]

Color your hair?:
I just did and it FAILED
But still actually looks kind of cool. So I'm content C:

Ever get off the computer?:
No, I'm a cyborg and I'm permanently plugged into it.

Habla espanol?:
Solo un poquito, pero entiendo mejor que lo hablar.
[Oh hayy, crappy broken spanish :C ]

Sprechen sie deutsches:

Fight with your parents?:
It happens.

Have friends you've lost touch with?:

Feel happy?:
Mmhmm C:

Wish you could fly away.. far, far away?:
Sure, for a little while, why not?

Believe in God?:
I believe in something.

Could you live without the computer?:
Well I wouldn't DIE...but I would sure talk to some people a lot less.

What's your favorite candy?:
Kit kat bars are pretty good? I dunno lol

Whats your favorite fruit?
And pineapple
And pomegranate.

Sunrise or sunset?:
They both be pretty C: but probably sunset, if I had to pick.

What hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain? :

Are your fingers cold?:
Nu uh~~ high iron levels c:

Coke or pepsi:
Coke. Because I support polar bears.

[Final Questions...]

I want:
It to just be winter break already.

I wish:
For my luck to hold out just a bit longer C:

I love:

I miss:
Being a little kid.

I fear:
Wasn't this already asked?

I hear:
Buster snoring.

I smell:
Like shampoo and hair dye.

I wonder:
What's going to happen, but who doesn't?

I hate:
The idea of truly hating someone.

I need:
To friggin finish my paper, I'm like 6 pages short what the hell.

I am doing this because:
As boring as it is, it's STILL more interesting than Geology.

Ignore this by tomorrow.

Current setting:

Literally sitting in between my parents yelling about something about blah blah bah because Arleen asked if Brenda could sleep over because Arleen is selfish and dumb and my mom is condescending and my dad is immature and bleh bleh bleh.

Buster smells like turkey.

And I think my dad just walked out. I can't tell, Buster is barking.

I don't exactly feel sad. But I feel like a chunk of me is missing. More specifically, I don't much feel like I have anyone to talk to anymore. Taylor WAS my person to go to for just about everything, and I think as a result of that I ended up pushing away my other people.

Now all I do is text people who either have their own problems to worry about, or who I guess really don't know me all that much, who I'm guessing are continuing to respond largely because I got dumped yesterday. But I'm so kind of desperate to not sit alone and let myself get down that I'm ignoring how dumb it makes me feel.

And I think feeling that way is likely to make me want to jump into another relationship right away, which is either going to push every guy away, or draw in a guy who still isn't right for me.

I'm just gonna go back to watching movies, too many bad vibes going on >_<;; Still, the peaceful day was nice while it lasted.

Where it began, I can't begin to know...

But then I know it's growing strong.
It wasn't the Spring
And Spring became Summer~
Who'd of believed you'd come along?
Hands touching hands
Reaching out~
Touching me~
Touching you--oooh~
Sweet Caroline!
Good times never seemed so good~

My bipolarity is becoming something of a nuisance.

Sometimes I feel like I've been engineered to do nothing but cause problems and hurt people.
I'm not going to be dumb and claim something stupid, like I act the way I do because I'm a Sagittarius!

I'm just looking for an out, so I don't have to deal with the consequences of my ridiculous thoughts and actions. For someone who caused such an uproar over potentially losing him, I'm sure quick to be disheartened about our ability to make a relationship last.
Don't get me wrong. Part of me still loves him, a whole lot. But the amount of times I have to try and squeeze a reaction out of him or try to make him just act like my damn boyfriend are enough to make me feel like the whole thing is a joke. It's like he's too distracted with other things to care that I'm here.
Barbara was right when she said part of him is trying to be an adult, but a bigger part of him wants to be a kid. He definitely likes me a whole lot, but love? I don't know if he's even ready to really love someone.

And even though it's a low blow to try and blame him, feeling utterly ignored at times makes a person crave attention from someone who might have more of a minute to spare.

I just want him to care more and actually make me believe that he really does.

But is it worth breaking up with him over? And even if I did, who's the say I'd even find anyone else?

I'm not saying I'm settling, but I guess I've gotten to be wary of the fact that I'm just not the type to attract Those Guys.

God dammit, I just want to shut everyone out and hope this fixes itself somehow. But it won't. And let's not get into my new-found insecurities about whether or not I'm being cheated on. Dear lord ._.
We like the same things and I like your style
It's not a secret
Why do you keep it?
I'm just sitting in the shelf.

It's my favorite kind of morning. The sun is peeking out for once, but only to enjoy its act of deceiving. Its rays trickle down, but not quite far enough to stop the slap of the cold blue morning from seeping into your clothes, your skin, your bones. The crisp air comes at you in a wave, making you gasp as you sharply inhale; a wave of ice, with a surprisingly refreshing aftertaste.
I'm pulled from the chill of the early day to a world of rebellions, junkies, float-alongs, a mish-mosh of pseduo-youth (and maybe a tad older) trying to find their way in life, and gnawing at my nerves every moment along the way.
I'm sick of the potheads and drinkers, bragging about how they got so smashed they puked on themselves then passed out.
I'm sick of the rebels who think they're so hardcore.
I'm sick of the whiners who think life is so bad for them.
I'm sick of the skanks who make women look bad.
I'm sick of the jackasses who think that's okay.
I'm so sick of this school I just want to scream, because I can't get out just yet, and there's really a quite decent chance that my freedom is being pushed back even farther because of my own stupid inability to make myself care about the boring, irrelevant classes I've put myself into.

But who's to say it'll be better anywhere else. Maybe I'm just PMSing. Maybe it's just one of those days where every damn thing gets under your skin.

But I hate this place, yo.

"It's just a pencil, I found it."

"Oh, you found it. Just I found this $100 bill in a bank. Just like I found this child. In a park. Full of other children."

[Updates of my life, because I'm too tired to hand write in my journal like usual]

Things I want and/or need to do:

Trim and dye my blah hair.
Add some finishing touches to my Halloweenie costume.
Make sure I have a Twister board to bring to Santa Cruz this weekend.
Some boring school shit..whatever.
Get a buttload of pictures developed.

((These are the)) Things I think about when I'm alone ((without you)):

I bitch about work like a mofo, but once I'm actually there, it's only about half as bad as I make it out to be.
I'm much worse at judging intentions and actions than I once thought, but can still pick out emotions pretty well.
I use sarcasm as a default defense mechanism.
I say mean things to the people I love the most, since I know they'll love me anyhoo.
Don't take it all personal.
I love make up, but I won't wear it regularly. I'm scared it'll become what defines my looks, and then I won't be pretty underneath it anymore.
I hate you all ((your mom's a whore))

And some things just don't change. I still love getting lost in books.

And I love you :)